A break from your spouse without leaving home

My wife needs periodic breaks from me.  I'll not list out my ample inventory of imperfections here, but suffice to say that I can drive her up the wall at times.

Fortunately, at the exact intervals of my maximum crankiness, certain "escape-enabling" products or services hit that market that allow her to flee my lack of glee without having to leave the house.  Of course, for men this is easy - that's why tv and sports was invented.  Instant zombie - just add a can of lager for complete retreat.

For my wife, these products have been much more varied but have supplied the same sort of mind-numbing, insular, special alone time that the mind and body craves.  Allow me to go back in history for some recent examples:

Oprah's Book Club
This has been the most consistent and most predictable source of distraction.  Lady-focused novels of tragedy, pain, suffering, betrayal, deliverance, redemption, rebirth and harmony - usually in that order.  The most common times of escape for her were from bedtime (which, for an early riser like me, is directly after dinner) until about dawn.  She even did me the courtesy of buying a flashlight so that the bedroom lights could be turned off, allowing for my solid slumber, and she could go under the covers and stealthily consume the written word.  When the flashlight batteries died, she had one of those little mini-lamps which attach to the book.  When the kids wrecked that thing, she used a headlamp but after waking up with semi-permanent red friction bands on her forehead, she went back to the flashlight.  I supported her therapy and bought a pallet of batteries from Costco.

Facebook
When she caught on to Facebook, I didn't see my wife's face for five days.  Actually, I did see her face, but just a glowing profile as I gazed upon her glued to the computer monitor, updating her status, adding photos and seeing how fat and bald her old high school love interests had become (YES!!!).  This infatuation lasted about a week, then she realized she wasn't really that interested in what had become of old schoolmates and certainly didn't need to be kept updated on the personal airing of dirty laundry by friends and family.

Twilight
Twilight shot onto the scene so fast I could almost feel it whizzing by.  Reminiscent of Oprah's book club, I found my wife back to her late night, under the cover antics, and I don't mean the "wifely duty" under the cover antics that husbands are so fond of.  Yes, the flashlight, head lamp and book light were back and, worse, she even read the books during the daytime, ignoring her husband, which I was used to, but also completely abandoning her children.  If it weren't for tinned lunches, such as Lunchables, KD, soup and Beefaroni, the children may not have survived.  At one point I caught one of them rummaging though the outside composter looking for a freshish fruit snack.  Fortunately, by this time my wife was firmly "Team Edward" and near to the end of this tragic, vampire series.  I felt compelled to browse a couple of the books, really just to see what all the fuss was about, but I found the writing to be terrible and the story lame.  I urged her to explore the vastly superior Anne Rice series of vampire novels, but I guess there wasn't enough heartfelt teenage love in those ones.  I'm proud to say that I'm "Team Lestat" all the way, the Twilight heartthrobs are just a bunch of fleekers.

Blackberry Messenger
Neither of us have ever been much for texting, but when Ana got a Blackberry and learned how BlackBerry Messenger works (BBM), she had her face in the mobile device for days.  It's amazing how quickly she learned that pretty much every household task can be done with one hand, reserving the other hand, of course, for the Blackberry.  I saw her perfect the single handed egg crack, wedge toast against the counter to stabilize it for one handed buttering and wash dishes single-handedly with surprising few food bits left stuck to the plates.  I will admit that I too have a fondness for BBM, though I usually restrict my messenging to toilet time, with regular proliferation of messages generated between 9 and 10am Monday mornings.

Girl with the Dragon Tattoo
Now this, at least, was a quality product she used to ignore me.  The story is intriguing, characters interesting and it's Swedish!  Half my heritage is Swedish so I can't help but be a big supporter, even if it means a life of single parenthood for a few weeks.  Towards the end of this exile we at least spent some quality time together watching the original Swedish movie adaptations of the books, which were absolutely terrific.  One evening we even held hands while watching, but I soon fell asleep which ruined my changes of any deeper bonding.  Maybe that's one of the reasons I drive her crazy..

Angry Birds
Now I recently got an iPad for work and of course it wasn't long before somebody mentioned Angry Birds.  In fact, it was an airline pilot friend who boasted he finished 13 three star levels while flying two hundred passengers from Cancun to Toronto.  Thank god for autopilots and locked cabin doors.  When she started with the Angry Birds I didn't think it would last because there are few things she detests more than video games.  But I was wrong.  What she detests more than idiotic video games is when people bother her as she is playing idiotic video games.  The one nice thing is that this round of fanaticism didn't cost me a hundred bucks in flashlight batteries - since the iPad is rechargeable and gives off plenty of light, she could hide under the covers for hours mastering the launching of the Angry Birds with perfect lighting that didn't cost me a dime.  It took her three weeks to beat every level.  I was so happy to see her again.

Twitter
Yesterday, we went to a symposium on social media marketing and, in particular, the use of Twitter.  It's been about 12 hours since she set up an account and installed the BlackBerry app.  So far no eye contact and no coherent speech.  I'm taking the opportunity to do a blog posting which will, in turn, give her something to Tweet about.  I'm such a supportive husband.

The Last Cheapie Flights

After learning that Ana’s job with WestJet will be no more as of Dec 15th, we decided we better take an early winter holiday before our travel benefits dry up. While it is unfortunate that Ana is losing her job, she has had a great run with West Jet - it’s been over seven years that she has worked there, in at least four different positions. We’ve taken full advantage of the travel benefits over the years which has enabled us to travel to every destination in Canada we’ve ever wanted to visit and plenty more in the US and Caribbean. It has also enabled the kids to see our family in Saskatchewan much more than would have been otherwise. The timing is actually not too bad for us, considering both of the kids are now in school which makes it tougher getting away outside of the regular school holidays. And traveling standby during the regular school breaks is practically impossible as most flights are usually sold out. We’ve actually found that traveling standby generally has become more difficult the past couple years, due to high flight loads and less frequent flights to the places we normally go. While it is extremely cheap, it adds a substantial amount of stress traveling, since you really don’t know whether there will be space for you until you are actually standing at the gate, and this makes booking accommodation and rental cars that much more challenging. This is only our second airplane trip of the year, which is by far the lightest year of air travel we’ve ever had. That’s not to say we didn’t travel much this year - we certainly did - but it was by sailboat and by van instead of by airplane.

We are now sitting in Tampa airport after a lovely four days here. The last two times we’ve been to Florida the weather has been rather chilly, but this time it was absolutely perfect - no clouds and temperatures in the high 20’s everyday. We are all returning to Canada with sun tans, which feels pretty nice in November. The kids spent a lot of time in the hotel pool and we spent a lot of time sitting around it drinking nice cold Presidente beer. We visited a few of our favourite spots including the Conch Republic and Frog Pond restaurants, John’s Pass and St. Petersburg waterfront. We were sad to discover the seaside cafe at John’s Pass which served the best grouper sandwiches in the world had closed, a terrible loss to humanity but excellent news for the local grouper population.

Oh my, I see I haven’t updated my blog since our fantastic sailboat trip in July. Well, the rest of the summer was fantastic and we had lots of visitors including Barb & Gerry, my mom, my dad and Loretta, our old buddy Mike Schaaf, my friend Stillman, Mike & Anna and I think a couple more I can’t remember right now. We kept projects to a minimum over the summer to allow maximum sailing time, but as soon as the fall hit, we got back to work on a few property projects, which are nearly complete now. The dreaded winter will soon be upon us so time to hunker down and keep warm as the Farmer’s Almanac predicts a more typical Ontario winter, unlike the warm and snow-less conditions we’ve had the previous two years.


Almost time to head to the gate, better cut it off here.

Kris

Lake Erie Sailing Trip - Day 15

Day 15 and beyond - Erie, Pennsylvania to Port Dover, Ontario

We awake at a leisurely 7:30 to yet another beautiful, sunny day.  We have decided that we will head back to Dover today sometime before noon so we have a quick breakfast and get the kids over to the pool for a nice swim before we leave. In the two weeks we have been gone Magnus has learned to use a mask, snorkel and fins and is now diving for pennies in the deep end of the pool. As I watch him dive I have visions of us spear fishing spiny lobsters in the Caribbean as the girls cook them up on board.

As the kids are playing in the pool and running around the deck a lady who is also at the pool comes over and says, "Your children talk very loud, have you ever had their hearing checked?"

I said, "Yes, we've already had them diagnosed - apparently they are half Portuguese which explains the speech volume."

I don't think she gets the joke so, since it's time to leave anyway, we pack up the loud kids, stop for a free waste tank pump out and are headed out of Erie harbour and soon on the open water pointed due north for Long Point.

The trip across seems to take a very long time, probably because of the anticipation of getting home.  We eventually reach Long Point and stop for a quick swim and lunch before continuing on the last leg to Port Dover, which is about 20 miles.  It’s about 7 pm when we finally pull into our familiar old home slip and it does feel pretty good to be back home on Canadian soil, or at least water.  Ana calls customs on the phone and they clear us with no issues.  The dock is very quiet, hardly anybody around so we have a quiet night on board and finally manage to see the rest of “The Matador” on the fourth attempt.

We spend the next day and a half doing some work on the boat, visiting dock friends and walking around Port Dover checking out the shops.  We finally arrive back at our house on Saturday afternoon and Magnus immediately goes next door to show his neighbour friend Lilly his loose tooth.  The aggressive demonstration wiggling breaks the last few strands and the tooth pops out!  He is thrilled to discover that he can still whistle even without a primary frontal ivory so he is happy indeed.

We are all decidedly relieved to be home, especially after such a successful adventure.  We now feel much more confident with Bella Blue and are overjoyed that the kids have taken so well to sailing.

There will be plenty more trips to come.

Lake Erie Sailing Trip - Day 14

Day 14 - Mentor Harbour to Erie, Pennsylvania

We are up at 3am to get an early start on the 75 mile trip back to Erie. The forecast is for strong north winds early in the day then dying out towards noon so we want to use the wind while it’s there. As usual, the first few hours are excellent sailing, with ten knot winds but they start to die around 7am so I start up the motor and we continue on motor-sailing making about 6.5 knots which should put us into Erie sometime around 2:30 in the afternoon.

We’ve been thinking of where to go from here. One idea was to continue on up the lake and visit Dunkirk, which is probably about 20 miles or so past Erie. But now we’re thinking we might head back to Port Dover a bit earlier and spend a couple nights on the boat there in the marina as per a “regular weekend” and save eastern Lake Erie for a future trip. After all the sailing we have done on this adventure we are much more comfortable with the boat, and in particular night sailing, which makes three or four day long weekend trips over to the US very achievable.

We stop and anchor around 2pm for a late lunch and a swim which feels like heaven. At around 4pm we arrive in Erie at the Commodore Perry Yacht Club after a total of 71 miles. Last time we were here we stayed at the marina next door and couldn’t help but notice that the Perry had a lovely swimming pool, which came in very handy today as it was in the low 30’s again. We sit by the pool for a couple hours and enjoy the sunshine and a couple cold beverages then head back to the boat for a Mexican fajita supper and the third attempt at getting through the same movie. Yes, one gets a bit tired after a 13 hour sailing day.

Just before bedtime, Magnus again pleads for me to pull out his front tooth. Since the kiddie rollercoaster incident his front tooth has become progressively less connected and is now wiggling freely. I’ve tried pulling it with my fingers but that is not working so he is now begging for me to use the pliers in the toolbox to yank it out. I pulled out his last two, so I do have the stomach for it, but I’m not entirely sure it’s ready so I’ve asked him to wiggle it as much as possible and we’ll try to extract it tomorrow. We’ll be sure to do it in front of Ana as she was completely spooked out and actually shrieking the last time I cranked one out.

Lake Erie Sailing Trip - Day 13

Day 13 - Mentor Harbour


As we get the second night free at the Mentor Harbor Yacht Club we decide to stay the day and head to Erie early tomorrow morning. Ana heads out in the car to do some grocery shopping and I stay with the kids at the boat for a while then take them to the playground. The rest of the afternoon is spent hanging out at the pool after which we return to the boat and the kids attack their movie supply in their cabin while Ana and I have the most relaxing evening drink (and I a cigar) sitting on the back of the boat enjoying the quiet marina and the lack of any “administration” that needs to be done. This doesn’t happen to us very often so we truly appreciate it.

Lake Erie Sailing Trip - Day 12

Day 12 - Cleveland to Mentor Harbour

Up at 4am for an early start and we have a rocking good wind blowing strong and steady from the south east. The weather forecast reports scattered showers but so far we haven’t had any rain. We head out into the lake and about five mile into our trip a big gust of wind pushes us to a new all time speed record for Bella Blue - a scorching 8.11 knots! Seems that the fastest point of sail for us is a broad reach (this is when the wind is coming from behind the boat - not directly behind but off to one side 20 degrees or so). It’s a lot of fun sailing the boat when the winds are strong, it forces you to really pay attention and stay focused because mistakes made in strong winds can be costly.

As we near Mentor, the rain catches up with us and we get hit with a squall and get completely soaked. Luckily we could see the rain coming up behind us which gave us time to pull in the jib and get the rain gear on. Magnus sees me out in the cockpit and decides that I could use some help so he gets his rain jacket on and comes out to join me. I put him to work tightening up some lines and keeping a lookout for other boats, as the rain has reduced visibility substantially. I am constantly impressed with how well the kids have taken to the boat, it seems very natural to them and they enjoy being on the water. They are going to grow up to be excellent sailors.

We reach Mentor and are assigned a slip. Since the run was only about 25 miles and we averaged over 6 knots we arrive very early and have pretty much the entire day so decide to rent a car to do some exploring. We get the car at 1pm and drive to two of the places we missed on the water - Chagrin River and Grand River. We stop at Pickle Bill’s on Grand River, a place that’s been mentioned to us several times. In fact we’ve heard that 3 out of 4 babies born in the Lake Erie region were conceived after or even during a visit to Pickle Bill’s by their future parents. Luckily for Magnus and Stella and their potential future inheritance, the bar is closed on Mondays, though we are able to go inside and have a look around. At the head of the bar is a life sized female mannequin straddling the bar top, as if to suggest that you as a patron may be taking a similar position later on if you dare to enter. Hanging about the gigantic bar are full sized sharks, fish netting, many other full sized mannequins including pirates, buccaneers, circus freaks and other assorted creatures. The restaurant extends out into the river with a “dock-up” bar with room for lots of boats. Makes me wonder if there is a higher incident of “total loss” insurance claims for vessels in this particular area. We vow to return to Pickle Bills one day, though it may not happen this trip since it is not very far from our current location and we’d like to cover more miles tomorrow.

We cruise around in the car, checking out some bookstores, clothing stores, take the kids (and Ana) to McDonalds for lunch and stop at a going out of business sale at a video store and buy 24 dvd’s for about three bucks each - sure to provide plenty of hours of in-boat entertainment.

We eventually make it back to the boat, take the kids for a swim at the pool, prepare a nice dinner then hang out for the rest of the night.

Lake Erie Sailing Trip - Day 11

Day 11 - Cedar Point to Clevelend, Ohio

The night view to Cedar Point leaving Sandusky is awesome and very peaceful now that the rides are closed and all the people are gone. We navigate our way out the channel using the flashing red and green buoys, which are much easier to see at nighttime rather than during the day.

We proceed out into the open lake, get the sails out and are happy to see that the wind is strong and coming directly from the south-east which is perfect for our heading. We trim the sails, get the GPS coordinates set up, turn on the autopilot, then sit back and enjoy the ride. Ana goes down below to try and get some sleep, which is constantly interrupted by various events - Stella needing milk, Magnus getting kicked by Stella in bed and wanting to move, things crashing around in the boat because of the heeling, and me calling for more coffee! She eventually does get some sleep then relieves me at the help at about 4am. I then get a couple hours sleep and we switch places again and she’s finally able to get to sleep for a while.

This is the fastest sailing we’ve done yet - for a total distance of 60 miles we average 5.65 knots with a maximum of 7.67 knots and the entire trip takes just over eight hours. The night sailing is very nice but it does take a toll on the sleep quality.

Our arrival in Cleveland is exciting as this is the first “big city” we’ve taken in. The harbour entrance is massive and the inner channel is very easy to navigate. By now the kids are awake and surprised to see that we’ve already arrived at our destination. To top it off, there’s at least six tall ships which are moored downtown, likely part of some sort of exhibition so once the kids hear there are pirate ships in port, they are immediately intrigued.

Once we arrive at the Forest City Yacht Club they arrange a slip for us and after tying up the boat I immediately retire for a hour nap to recharge the batteries and leave my poor wife to deal with the energetic kiddies who have had a wonderful, long sleep. After I wake up we get organized and head over to the yacht clubhouse and meet some very nice people who give us the lowdown on local transport options, which are pretty much limited to taxi. Luckily, one of the members, Lynn, offers us a ride downtown which we accept and she whisks us down to the Cleveland downtown waterfront.

Once there, we split up into two teams. Team A, which consists of Ana, Stella and Magnus will hit the science centre gift shop to select one toy for each of the kids then take in the Omnimax movie about the ocean. Team B, which consists of me and my big hair and leather pants, will take in the rock and roll hall of fame. In the interest of brevity, let’s just say that both groups were wildly successful in their ventures, except when Ana fell asleep during the movie.

We return to the boat via taxi cab, have a great dinner and are completely done for the day.