Sunday, August 17th – Koh Hong Islands to Koh Hong Islands, Thailand

Waking up in the perfect anchorage on a perfect morning was a lovely way to start the day.  I slept like a rock and did not wake up until 5:45 in the morning.  I peeked out our cabin window and was relieved to see that we seemed to still be anchored in the same spot as last night.  I expected I might not sleep too well, anxious that our anchor would let loose, but I must have consumed a sufficient quantity of alcohol to dull the anxiety.

I put the kettle on the stove and went to the back deck to find Toddy already up, sitting at the helm station, enjoying the beauty of the morning.  We exchanged nods then jumped in the water for a morning swim and refreshing underwater piss, and maybe more, carried away briskly by the strong current.  The outside grill on the boat had a flat cooking surface, perfect for scrambled eggs and the best toast substitute we could come up with – fried bread.  We enjoyed this, along with some fresh fruit while the kids had breakfast cereal, but considering our surroundings, we could have eaten pretty much anything and it would have tasted fantastic.

We pulled up anchor and headed north, navigating our way through the dozens of islands in the bay.  It was a lovely, calm day with only a slight breeze, so we initially motored without the sails.  We got our fishing rods rigged up and trolled two lines behind the boat as we cruised over the glassy water at four knots.  Magnus had a terrific strike and started winding furiously, but we soon discovered he had snagged a fishing net, so we spun the boat around and were actually able to retrieve the lure, then got back to sailing.  There were an abundance of flying fish this morning so we played “spot the fish” for a very long time and saw some terrific aerial displays.  The only time there weren’t any fish flying around was when one of us was standing at the front of the boat with a camera trying to catch a video.  At those moments, all was silent.

We sailed to an island called Koh Roi and found ourselves all alone so we dropped anchor, hopped in the dingy and drove to the secluded beach to explore.  Though it was beautiful, we didn’t find much of interest so we went back to the boat and did some experimentation to find the best location from which to fling oneself from the catamaran to get maximum air and best splash.  Ana caught some amazing photos of us leaping in, with a backdrop of limestone cliffs and emerald green water.

We looked at the charts and found a nearby island called Koh Kudu Yai that would be perfect for lunch.  The charts indicated a shallow entrance, but since it was at mid tide I thought we could probably squeeze in, and we did with just a minor bump on the keel.  What we found was a completely secluded bay, encased by limestone cliffs unbroken only by a perfect beach, and room for only one boat (us!)  The water was only five feet deep so I was able to walk in with the camera and get some lovely shots of the rest of the gang on the back of the boat eating lunch.

We decided to head out to do some sailing as by this time the wind had picked up so we squeaked out of our perfect bay, got the sails up and sailed down the length of Koh Yao Noi island.  We were able to get up to 6.5 knots under a 14 knot breeze, which was pretty good, but not quite as fast as I was expecting on a cat.  The experience of sailing on a cat was quite different than that of a sailboat.  It is much harder to feel what is going on with the wind on a catamaran and it seems less responsive to slight changes in sail trim, though this very well could have been because of my inexperience with this type of vessel.  Also, it simply doesn’t feel like you are moving as fast as you are.  When we are on our sailboat traveling at 6 knots in a 14 knot wind it feels like we are flying.  Perhaps the sense of speed is accentuated by the heeling of a monohull sailboat, or maybe it’s simply because this cat is just so much bigger than what we are used to.  In either case, being able to sail fast without the heeling of the boat is a pleasure I could easily get used to.

We checked out a potential anchorage on Koh Yao Noi island but as the wind had now shifted more to the south it was now a windy shore and not practical for anchoring, so we headed east to a nearby island called, strangely, Koh Hong Island - same name as the previous night’s anchorage.  I double checked the charts and crusing guide and confirmed that it was indeed the correct name.  What we found was a perfect sheltered bay with two beaches and a narrow tunnel in the rock leading to an interior island lagoon.  Best of all, there were two mooring balls so we tied up to one, making it the easiest anchoring yet.  Mooring balls are large floating spheres permanently anchored to the bottom with a giant rock or piece of concrete.  There is a line attached to the mooring ball which you simply pick up with your boat hook then place on a cleat at the front of your boat.  All done, and not risk of your anchor pulling loose.

We went for a cooling swim, did a bit of fishing, then loaded ourselves in the dingy to go and check out the lagoon.  We motored over to the opening, then slowly motored through the tall stone walls on either side of us and emerged in a giant, hypnotic, green lagoon with all sorts of amazing rock formations hanging around the edges and, in a couple spots, openings to caves, both at the water surface and also higher up on the cliffs.  We did an entire shoreline circuit in the dingy, testing out caves, looking for fish, and snaking through the mangrove trees which were in the northeastern part of the bay.  As we moved towards the western edge, we found a large rock formation hanging in the air, with room to maneuver the dingy directly beneath it.  I had a vision for the perfect photograph, so told Toddy to get ready to jump up on the rock as soon as the dingy was in position.  I slowly approached the structure and at the exact right moment, he made a confident move to mount the rock.  The initial grasp was good, the lift was shaky, then as the dingy started to slip beneath him, he slowly began tipping backwards and reached for the only thing that could potentially save him – Stella!  But, in an instant, there were four bare feet in the air, synchronized yelps, and then a giant, synchronized splash.  They both emerged from the silky green waters unharmed, and were immediately reloaded into the dingy.  Later, recounting the episode, Toddy claimed Stella pushed him in.  She just smiled innocently.

On the way back to the boat, we pulled the dingy into the beach to have a look around.  Ana walked to the far end and discovered steps leading up to a large cave entrance.  As she was standing there peering into the darkness, a figure suddenly stepped out of the cave, and smiled down at her.  It was a Thai fellow wearing a headlamp, seemingly standing guard.  Above him was a sign saying, “Warning – Swallows Nesting” so we assumed he was either the guardian of the swallows or maybe raiding the nests for eggs.  Later, after we returned to the boat, we saw five men emerge from the cave who were soon met by a longboat who picked them up and took off to parts unknown.  We have no idea what they were doing in there.

Back at the boat we started making dinner while Magnus and Stella fished.  Magnus finally had a strike and caught two fish at the same time!  His lure had six individual hooks on it and found two little hungry black fish, though not quite large enough to keep so we threw them back in.

After another superior boat dinner, all five of us moved to the bow of the boat and got settled comfortably on the trampoline net for the evening light show.  Magnus produced the green laser and started tracing it over the mountainside, then came up with a game where he would write a word and we would have to guess it.  Seems his mountain laser penmanship is just as mediocre as the paper and pencil method so we didn’t get too many of the words, but it still was a lot of fun.

With that, we capped off another magnificent day on the water.

Saturday, August 16th – Yacht Harbour Marina to Koh Hong Islands, Thailand

How to begin to describe a day like this one?  The final event of a most extraordinary day was a midnight swim off our catamaran Happy Eva as we were anchored in the calm, warm waters of a gorgeous bay in the Koh Hong island group, northeast of Phuket.  The water was full of phosphorescents so every movement of your body would produce a rainbow of colour in the water.  I have never understood exactly what these creatures are, but the best description would probably be tiny underwater fireflies.  After my swim, I got back on the boat, dried off, and then noticed a single phosphorescent on the tip of my index finger, which remained illuminated for several minutes.  When he disappeared, I disappeared into our cabin and nodded off quickly in the starboard pontoon of the gently floating Happy Eva.

But the day did not begin on the water.  We had a speedy buffet breakfast at the hotel, checked out, picked up Todd and drove to the Tesco Lotus to buy the fresh food required for the trip.  We picked up chicken breasts, pork loins, a few whole fish, fruit, vegetables, milk, and a few other dry goods we forgot the previous day such as aluminium foil, M&M’s and seaweed chips.

We arrived at the Yacht Haven marina around 9:30 in the midst of a massive downpour.  “You didn’t see this in the brochure, did you?” joked Melissa, our contact from the charter company Elite Yachting.  We loaded up our remaining gear on Happy Eva, which would be our home on the water for the next five days.  She was a beautiful boat, practically new and had so much more space than we were used to in our sailboat.  Ana and I took the cabin on the starboard pontoon, which also held the bathroom, and the kids and Todd each took one of the other two cabins in the port side pontoon.

The charter staff first gave us a briefing on the sailing conditions, weather and highlights of the area in which we would be sailing.  They also hooked us up with two fishing rods and an assortment of lures which gave us visions (delusions?) of landing a 300 pound marlin or a 50 pound barracuda or perhaps even a giant sailfish.  We then went down to the boat and they gave us an overview of all the major systems: navigational electronics, fresh water system, toilet and shower, engines, breaker panel, refrigerators, propane tanks, sails, anchor windlass and finally, what would be the most critical piece of equipment for island exploration – the dingy!

We had a good lunch at the marina café as we waited for the weather to break, and sure enough, as we were paying our bill the clouds cleared and we were back to sunshine.  We got back on the boat and I called the marina office on the VHF radio and told them we were ready to leave and they then sent down two boys to untie us and show us the way out of the marina.  I powered up the twin engines, slowly backed out of our slip, engaged the forward gear, then slowly and carefully navigated the vessel down the channel and out of the marina.  We were on our own and the journey had begun!

Within ten minutes we had seen two flying fish launch out of the water and fly rapidly, just above the surface, sometimes touching the water briefly, then relaunching, leaving a string of expanding wave circles across the ocean surface.  The catamaran felt huge and much different than a monohull sailboat as there is no rocking back and forth, just a steady forward momentum powered by the twin 30 horsepower Volvo diesel engines.  The amount of living space on the boat is incredible, probably three or four times as much as a similar length sailboat.  The main interior salon is joined to the rear exterior seating area with a sliding glass patio door, which is left open to create a single connected living space.  In the main salon are two refrigerators, an oven, range, double sink, navigation station and a table and seating for six people.

After clearing the harbor and channel we put up the main sail and head sail, but there wasn’t a lot of wind so we motor-sailed to our first stop, which was a sheltered area on the east side of an island called Ko Phanak.  After a long and difficult fight with the anchor windless where we accidentally dropped the entire 150 feet of chain to the sea bottom and had to haul it back up, we got properly anchored and went for a spin in the dingy to explore the shoreline, which was a vertical limestone cliff with a nice beach tucked into it.  We were not the only ones enjoying this fine spot; three tourist boats full of people and inflatable kayaks were monopolizing the beach and immediate area so we zipped around and waited until the crowd thinned before we drove our dingy up on the beach and explored the area for a while.

We returned to the boat, hauled up anchor and head north towards our anchorage for the night – the Koh Hong island group.  We could see the towering peaks of these three islands from our current location so we sailed at a leisurely pace, and were gobsmacked as we arrived at this magical place.  Everywhere we looked were vertical limestone walls, indented with stalactites and with trees hanging perilously from the rock and their thirsty roots poking out everywhere.  One of the bays had a single limestone mountain shard shooting up out of the water.  It was like a giant upright baseball bat, and looked quite improbable.

We pulled up to the recommended anchorage spot and found two other  boats – a cruising catamaran and some sort of barge that was stacked with kayaks, chairs and other tourist gear, and occupied by several Thai people.  Our anchoring was much smoother this time and once we were sure the hook was well set for the evening we poured a round of drinks and admired the amazing scenery around us.  The water was green in colour, as the charter staff had told us was common in the northern part of the bay, and there was a very fast tidal current, almost like a river, so we did not go in for a swim, but we did get the dingy out to do some exploring.  The five of us in the dingy slowly cruised the shoreline and its limestone walls and found one cave entrance so we cut the motor and paddled into the cavern, getting hung up on rocks several times.  When we reached the end we saw the cave opened up into a cathedral with light from the sky streaming into it.  The only problem was the ground was very muddy and rocky so we did the only thing we could – sent Magnus in to test it.  Well, he jumped off the front of the dingy and sunk nearly to his knee in mud.  He struggled and pulled and was able to retrieve his feet though, sadly, minus his flip flops.  So while he was checking out the interior cave, Ana was sent in with her super sensitive feet to root through the mud in search of the flip flops, which she successfully did after several failed attempts.  Magnus reported the interior cave was not worth the rest of us risking our footwear, so they got back onboard and we paddled out while Ana was busy trying to dig the packed mud from under her toenails.

We continued along our way and found yet another cave entrance, but we could see right through this one to the other side of the island.  We paddled the dingy into the tunnel which opened up into a beautiful, large circular cavern.  After taking a few photos we continued through the tunnel and popped out on the other side of the island, then worked our way around and back to the boat for dinner.

This was to be the first dinner we have cooked for a very long time, so we took our time and prepared a meal of chili marinated grilled chicken, mashed potatoes and lightly dressed garden salad then slowly and leisurely savored our dinner in the outside salon, washed down with several glasses of red wine and some lovely conversation.  By this time, the night sky was full of stars and the moon was on the way up.  Stella was tired out so she retired to her cabin and the rest of us sat up for a while then moved to the front of the boat and laid down on the trampoline netting, which is stretched between the two pontoons at the front of the boat, creating a perfect surface for napping or, in this case, star gazing.  In a moment of inspiration, Magnus shot up, disappeared, then returned a minute later with his high power green laser pointer and treated us to a magnificent laser light show on the mountainside.  His laser is incredibly powerful and he set it to create all sorts of patterns on the mountain.  After the show we all made a solemn oath not to mention anything to Stella about the light show so she wouldn’t feel left out.

Magnus went to bed shortly after that while Ana, Todd and I stayed up for one more drink and discussed the beauty of it all and the unequalled quality of our current situation in life.  As if the day was not yet good enough, we discovered the phosphorescent wonders beneath our boat and, with that, today’s journal has now come full circle.

Friday, August 15th – Last Day on Land, Phuket, Thailand

For this epic journey we had planned to spend our final four weeks in Thailand, but were considering doing something “big” towards the end to finish off the trip (as if the trip itself wasn’t big enough!)  Maybe even surprise ourselves and do something even we didn’t expect.  We considered doing a side trip to Bali, Perth, Maldives or Vietnam, but somehow none of that felt quite right.  As I was doing some web surfing one morning shortly after we arrived in Phuket, I thought to check out yacht charters.  Within two days we had found a perfect boat and booked it for a five day trip beginning tomorrow.  We chartered a 2013 36’ Fountain Pajot catamaran which has three cabins, perfect for our family and our friend Todd who will be joining us on this vacation within the vacation.

So today we packed up most of our things, did some grocery shopping for all the dry goods we will need, such as water, canned food, rice, beer, wine, spices, cereal and all the other non perishables we estimated we would need for the trip.  We drove up to Yacht Haven, which is the marina on the northeast side of the island, and the charter company let us onto the boat one day early to start stocking it up.  She is a real beauty and still has the new boat smell!  Though Ana and I have plenty of sailing experience on our sailboat Bella Blue on Lake Erie, but we have never sailed a catamaran before and it has been nearly fifteen years since I’ve sailed on the ocean, so this is going to be a very different experience for us.  Thrilling!

After loading up the boat and stopping for a coffee at the marina cafe, overlooking what was probably half a billion dollars worth of vessels, we drove back to the hotel, lounged around for a few hours, then returned to our new favourite restaurant and met Todd there for some last minute planning for the voyage.

And lest I forget, the rubber tree.  There are rubber tree plantations all over Thailand and we have passed dozens of them in our car, but today was the first time that I actually pulled over to have a closer look.  Each of the trees has a candy stripe gouge cut into it from which the sap emerges and drips into a small, black bucket attached to the tree.  The process seems very similar to how maple syrup is harvested, but in this case the sap will be turned into tires instead of pancake covering.  I pulled a piece of the yellow sap dripping off the tree, and even in this form it feels just like a long elastic band, so I yanked off the tree and stuffed it away in my backpack for a souvenir.

Thursday, August 14th – Back to Bangtao Beach, Phuket, Thailand

Everyone tries their best with English, but most of the time in non English speaking countries the translations you see on signs, restaurant menus, brochures, and so on are pretty bad.  During one leg of our trip when we were traveling from Siem Reap to Bangkok, we were crammed into a small bus with a whole bunch of other backpackers, all in various stages of The Journey.  At the front of the bus appeared a sign with the message, “PLEASE DON’T LOUDLY!”

I must have stared at that sign for two hours, trying to comprehend the enormity of those three words.  Was it the product of a simpleton with a limited command of English?  Was it a simple error by the sign-maker?  Perhaps some sort of joke by a cunning linguist somewhere in the region?  I think not.  I believe these must have been the words of an old, wise, nearly enlightened Buddhist monk, located somewhere in the region, probably living by himself in a temple atop a magnificent mountain.  It surely took years of solitary meditation to come up with these simple, profound, powerful words and he uttered them only once, to some intrepid, determined, curious follower who climbed the mountain, searching for a shred of wisdom from the solitary master.  What this follower received was a sermon for the world, but especially for travelers when finding themselves in close proximity to others.

The magic of these words is that you can stick pretty much any verb you can think of in there (eat, snore, chew, hum, talk, fart) and it provides the only advice you need when you find yourself in a group situation of any type.  Excepting, of course, for situations of civil disobedience such as football riots or metal concerts.  And moments of intense lovemaking.  It’s good to do those things loudly.  In fact, better.

Other brutalizations of English we’ve seen along the way are not nearly so profound and are simply funny.  Now I’m not the kind of guy who looks at these things and says, “Ha, ha, look how stupid these guys are.”  Not at all.  English is probably the second, third or fourth language for people in the region who speak it, making many of the travelers, who speak only one or two languages, look like the idiots.  But I do have an eye for humour and some of the signs you see are just hilarious.

In the market the other day a watch vendor had a sign on his table which said:

GENUINE FAKE WATCHE’S

Well thank god I didn’t end up with a FAKE FAKE WATCHE – you just can’t trust that sort of quality.  But I bet they are real cheap.

At the Tiger Cave Temple in Krabi there was a huge, professional billboard there with pictures of monks and mainly Thai writing, but also some English translations.  Though I stared at it for several minutes the translation was so bad I just could not understand what the hell it was trying to say.  Can you figure it out?

At the same temple, there was this completely out of place whale skull with a very odd sign below it.  And I had always assumed monks were probably trustworthy.

This day we drove back to our original landing place in Phuket – Bangtao and checked back into the Arinara hotel.  This was the first hotel of the trip we have come back to a second time as we really enjoyed it here the first time, and the kids loved the huge pool and waterslide.  We spent a few hours at the pool then went for dinner at a nearby place called The Blue Garden which is run by a French family and served up fantastic meals, in fact, some of the best food we’ve had yet in Thailand.  And with a full belly, we were soon to bed.

Wednesday, August 13th – Last Day in Kata Beach, Phuket, Thailand

For our final day in the Kata Beach area we had absolutely no plans so started the day with a long swim in the pool.  Magnus and I continued this game where I throw a bouncy ball at him, he hits it with his head back to me and we see how many headers we can get before one of us misses and the ball hits the water.  So far our record was 19 but this morning we didn’t even come close, so instead we quit that game and played a rousing game of one on one soccer instead.

We decided to go for a drive to the Tesco mall and find some lunch.  Tesco is a big grocery retailer from the UK and here in Thailand they have these huge centres called Tesco Lotus where there are many other shops besides the anchor grocery store.  We had lunch at the cafeteria (roti, curry, fried rice) then wandered around the shops for a while, surrounded by mostly locals but a pretty sizeable population of tourists, all similarly looking for a nice air conditioned building to spend a couple hours away from the heat.

Since we’ve been in Kata we’ve often looked up a nearby mountain and admired the “Big Buddha” which is a gigantic statue that looks over the island.  Though admittedly temple’d and Buddha’d out, we decided to have a look, simply because we really had nothing else to do.  During the drive up we passed several elephant trekking places and a couple restaurants that had a baby elephant chained up to a post, entice passing tourists to stop for an overpriced drink.

The Big Buddha was actually pretty cool, though it appeared to still be under construction.  There were hundreds of tourists up there so we just spend enough time to take a couple photos and do a circuit around the massive statue.  There was a loudspeaker broadcasting the ritual chanting of the monks inside, which sounded neat at first, but after a while the distorted sound was starting to give us a headache, so we head back to the car and drove east to the other side of the island, where we had spotted a long pier from the top of the mountain.

The pier was the centerpiece of a busy, dirty, nasty jetty and transit area for tourists heading out to the islands east of Phuket, such as Kho Phi Phi.  There were dozens of tourist boats, tour busses, tuk-tuks, motorcycles and people all over the place.  We didn’t stay long.

We returned to the hotel for a while to do some research on hotels in Bangkok.  We decided to spend the last six days of our trip in the “Big Mango”, as it is sometimes called, so wanted to figure out the best area of the city to stay with good access to the public transport and not too much sleaze in the vicinity.  Our investigations seem to suggest that there are red light areas all over the city so finding something may be a bit trickier than we anticipated.

We went for a late dinner to a place called Fork & Spoon and the food was positively ordinary.  By the time we were finished it was approaching 9pm so we considered going to see Delvis.  We saw a sign for Delvis on the first day we were here, saying he plays every weeknight at 9pm, so every night around this time we’ve been planning to go…then for one reason or another did not.  So we’ve been discussing Delvis quite a bit and Magnus came up with this interesting theory where Elvis’s parents actually had 26 children, all boys.  The first was named Zelvis and he became a welder in Chicago.  The second was Yelvis, who is a scuba diving instructor.  The third was Xelvis who is a fortune teller somewhere in Europe.  The fourth was Welvis who went to school to become a teacher but dropped out and joined the circus.  The fifth was Velvis who became a drummer in a little known jazz band.

And on and on Magnus went, creating new names and character sketches until he got to Qelvis then got stumped.  In the end, he told me that only their 22^nd son, named Elvis, went on to become anybody of note.

In the end, we passed yet again on Delvis, but I’m sure his show is spectacular!

Tuesday, August 12th – Kata Beach, Phuket, Thailand

Do you want to know what happened to 7-11?

Remember the ubiquitous 7-11 stores which started popping up all over Canada in the 1970’s and 1980’s?  When I was a kid they were everywhere and my brothers and I spent an awful lot time at the one which was a block away from our house on Pendygrasse Road in Saskatoon.  In fact, I think half my dad’s salary was used to finance milk purchases from the 7-11 as it seemed like he was constantly giving one of us a five dollar bill and sending us down to get milk, because we had run out yet again.  The conversation at 7:00 in the morning usually went something like this:

“Dad, we’re out of milk again,” Curtis says as he looks at his dry bowl of Rice Krispies and the 2 litre milk carton with only a few precious drops remaining.

“Goddamn it, how can you kids drink so much damn milk!” came the predictable reply from Dad.  “Kris, here’s five bucks, you run down to the 7-11 and pick up another carton.”

“I went last time, it’s Marty’s turn to go,” I say.

“Marty, take that five bucks and go get some milk, and make it fast,” Dad says.

“Kris didn’t go last time, I did.  So it’s his turn to go,” Marty snarls.

“Goddamn it, would one of you two just go down and get some milk!  You are going to be late for school,” Dad pleas, exasperated.”

“How come Curtis never has to go?  He drinks more milk than anybody and he never goes,” I counter.

“He’s too little,” Dad replies, “Kristofor, please go down and get some milk.”

Once Dad whipped out the “Kristofor” I knew he was starting to get pissed.  But I press on with, “I’m only going if Marty has to go too.”

“Jesus H. Christ, would you two brats PLEASE take this five bucks and go get milk, otherwise someone’s going to get their ass kicked!” Dad threatens.

Seeing Dad was getting close to the boiling point, Marty and I exchange nods, take the five bucks, give Curtis the finger, then walk down to the “Sev”.  It only takes about five minutes to walk there, so we go in the store, buy a carton of milk, and also pick up a pack of Star Wars cards and a bag of Red Hots and Blue Whales.  Since we had to go to the trouble of making the trip, we decide a reward is due.  And Curtis isn’t getting any of the treats.

We return to the house, put the milk and change on the table (what’s left of it) and Curtis lunges at the milk and opens it at the wrong end, but since it doesn’t open properly on that side he uses the end of a spoon to rip it open, producing a horribly mangled cardboard pouring surface.

“You idiot,” I exclaim, “you’re supposed to open the side that says Spout/Bec!  How many times do I have to tell you?”  He doesn’t care, all that matters is that most of the milk he dumped out hit the bowl and he is now happily munching on his Rice Krispies.  Dad appears in the kitchen, looks at the milk soaked tablecloth, the meager pile of change, and heads out the door to work, where simpler challenges await.

I don’t see too many 7-11’s left in Canada these days, so one would assume that they simply folded up and faded away.  But one would be wrong.  Southeast Asia is full of 7-11’s, in fact, I just checked the trusty Wikipedia and there are nearly 8,000 7-11 stores in Thailand, which explains why there has usually been one within eyeshot during out travels in this country.

The 7-11’s here sell more than Slurpees and Big Gulps.  In fact, I don’t remember seeing either of these two classic items in any of the stores here.  They do sell some fantastic items though, like cold beers, bags of edible seaweed, toasted sandwiches (ham & cheese, hot dog, pizza) and, most interestingly, it is the primary place to charge up your cell phone.  Most of the mobile phones here seem to be the pay-as-you-go variety, and every 7-11 has this nifty device where you tap in your phone number, tell the cashier how much money you want, then you instantly get a text message on your phone notifying you of your new balance.  Since our primary expenditures these days are food, drinks and cell phone, we have been spending a lot of time in 7-11’s, which suits me fine as they are all air conditioned so it is always a welcome reprieve from the heat.

Today was a slow, take it easy, relaxing sort of day.  We went to the beach in the morning where Magnus tried boogie boarding for the first time and had some initial success on the large waves, but then was toppled by one which dragged his face through the sand and gave him a nice red rash.  He called it quits after that one, so went out for a while, caught a few waves and a giant mouthful of seawater which I accidentally swallowed, then nearly puked.  By this time Ana had been approached by at least thirty vendors, trying to sell all sorts of tourist crap on the beach, so we packed up and head back to the hotel.

The afternoon was spent by the pool, and then later we drove over to Patong, which is the epicenter for tourism on the island, went for a walk on the massive beach then strolled through the tourist crowds and stores.  I found a nice little weapons shop selling brass knuckles, knives, guns and tasers, but decided on a set of foam nunchuks to give to Magnus for his birthday, which is coming up in a week.  Shortly before we left on the trip, Magnus built himself nunchuks with cardboard, string, tape and paper clips, but I’m quite sure he will be thrilled with this higher quality replacement.

We had a nice, slow evening back at the hotel, enjoying a Thai green curry while we watched yet another Ben Stiller movie – Zoolander.  Ridiculous…but funny!

Monday, August 11th – Kata Beach, Phuket, Thailand

We started the day with a backpacker breakfast in our room (musli with milk, sandwiches, bananas, peanut butter on bread, coffee) then lazed around the pool for a couple hours.  The weather has been gorgeous the past few days – somehow not quite a scorching hot as before, but still plenty of sun, and cooler nights which is a nice relief.  We went for a walk to explore the busy streets around our hotel and the girls decided to go for a spa – Ana got the hour long facial and massage while Stella settled on the manicure.  While they did that, Magnus and I went in search of cheap beer.  It took about half an hour, but we eventually found a restaurant serving large bottles of Chang for 100 baht (just over three bucks), which is about as cheap as we’ve seen it.  The range in prices was incredible; one place called the Dino Bar was selling the same bottle for 240 baht, while others sold it for 180, 140 and 120.  The Olson family are always value shoppers, through and through.  The only cheaper way of drinking beer is buying it from a mini-mart, where the same bottle costs around 50 baht.

We then went for a big walk down to Kata beach and found it to be quite nice and much calmer and clearer than it was when we were in Phuket the week before.  We walked along the busy commercial strip which runs parallel to the beach and found the cool place that had this giant surf machine.  It had two jets which shot water up this bouncy castle type apparatus, creating a surface similar to an ocean wave that allowed people to surf on.  It was quite expensive so we didn’t try it, but we did watch for a while and saw some terrific wipeouts!

We looked for a café to stop for a drink but all the ones near the beach were ultra touristy, expensive and simply not very nice so instead we stopped at a mini-mart and picked up some road pops then enjoyed our cold drinks as we wandered around the markets.  Actually, the rest of the family wandered through the markets and I found a nice piece of pavement and drank my beer while watching the vendors and tuk-tuk drivers harass the tourists passing by.  On any street in Phuket, there are three adversaries that you must deal with constantly.  These are tuk-tuk drivers, massage girls and tailors.  Here is what happens walking down a typical street in Phuket.

As you step out of your hotel, there will be a shiny tuk-tuk sitting in front of the stairs with a dude sleeping inside, but he can sense the presence of tourists and wakes up as you approach.

“Tuk-tuk?” he asks.

“No thanks,” you reply.

“Taxi?” he tries.

“No thanks, we’re just going for a walk,” you reply.

“Where you going?  I give you a ride,” he offers again.

This is when you stop talking, keep walking and don’t look back.  About fifteen steps later you will come to a massage parlour/beauty salon/fish spa where there are at least ten women sitting in front, all wearing the same uniform, and all looking at you saying, “Massssaaaaaaaaaaaaaaage?” in an unusually high pitched tone, and slowly building crescendo of skull penetrating blare.

“No thanks,” you reply politely, fighting the temptation to say, “No thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanks.”

“Feeeesh spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?” comes the inevitable second offer.

At this point, your kids walk over to the fish tank to stick their fingers in and you are in trouble, because now they think you are interested, so as they are pouncing on you and your family with brochures and price listings you say, “No, no!  No fish spa!  No thank you.”

“Your babies want fish spaaaaaaaaaa?” they cry in unison.

“C’mon you guys, let’s go, we are not getting fish spas, let’s get out of here!” you say as you rally your troops.  As you walk away you always hear one final, desperate, “Massssaaaaaaaaaaaaaage?” but you never look back.

Just a few steps later you will encounter a young, well dressed guy standing on the street, directly in your path, and as soon as you look up he will lock eyes with you, hypnotically.

“My fren, what country you from?  Australia?  America?” he asks, feigning interest in your life and extending his hand to shake yours.

Now the first time you encounter these guys, you probably do shake his hand and tell him what country you are from, and no matter where you are from, he will have a cousin that lives near you and will tell you he loves your country and city.  Even if you live in a small coal mining town in the middle of Siberia.  He will know your town and say he loves it.  So you learn to never respond to this question.

“No thanks,” you say.

“No thanks what?  I just want to know what country you from.  Hey, you like a new shirt?  Tailored?  New suit?  Very nice.”

“No thanks,” you say and try to walk past him, but since you were daft enough to shake his hand, you find that he is not letting go and is actually trying to physically drag you into his shop to start measuring you up.

“Come have a look, very cheap.  Good quality.  The best,” he insists, as you are trying to worm your hand out of his.

“Leave me alone!” you finally lash out, exasperated.  The tailor looks crushed, as if you have really hurt his feelings, but you don’t care and even leave your family in the dust as you try to get away.  The last thing you are thinking about as a tourist in Phuket is wearing a damn suit.

It does not take long to figure out the best strategy for navigating the streets of Phuket, which is eyes forward, head down, talk to nobody, stop only for beer and food. 

Read more useful travel tips in my upcoming book “The Antisocial Backpacker”.